How to ruin your reputation in 6 easy steps as an Airbnb host
Are you suffering from too many 5-star reviews and bookings? Did you have a streak of wonderful guests and are craving a challenge? Look no more. This guide will turn you into a nightmare host in no time!
1. Make sure your place is a dirty mess
Don't hire cleaners, don't clean the place yourself, just let the next guests experience how the previous guests left it. Of course, keep a hefty cleaning service fee on your Airbnb listing. When your guests point out in disbelief how disgusting everything looks, disclaim the allegation in a storm of outrage. Blame the previous guests or the cleaners (or both) for the state of your apartment.
2. Make a terrible first impression
Now that the guest is speechless about the disaster that your Airbnb is, we need to match you as a person to it. Here are a few easy steps to present yourself as unflatteringly as possible:
- Insist on welcoming your guests personally
- Now, you can let them wait. Come a good bit too late, and have a fresh soy latte from Starbucks in your hands when you arrive.
- Threaten your guests in some way. For example: Immediately after entering the apartment, let them know you will take photos and complain to Airbnb support if they leave the place dirty.
- Explain thoroughly how to use the TV. The demonstration should take at least 10 tedious minutes. Don't let your guests prematurely interrupt it.
- Come up with more vanity rules. "Don't slam the door", "Turn on as few lights as possible" (cause, you know, electricity is expensive nowadays), "Food delivery is prohibited", or "No deep-frying turkeys".
3. Ask the tenant to do unreasonable or an unreasonable amount of chores
Why should you pay cleaners or anyone to look after your Airbnb when you can outsource it to your guests for free? Make sure your guests never get bored: Every week, they shall do the linen, water the plants, and clean the bathroom. Ultimately, demand your guests to clean the place before leaving. (Source)
Must-have products to keep your Airbnb clean and tidy.
Browse products now4. Penalize your guests if they do something forbidden
Now, let's charge your guests an unreasonable amount of money for offending some rules:
- No coffee/food stains on your old $20 carpet. Charge $150 for violation.
- No smoking, neither inside nor outside, anywhere near your Airbnb! Violations will be charged $500.
- No loud music. At all, and never. Install a noise meter to surprise your guests with proof of their wrongdoings. Penalty: $200.
5. Require them to replace broken stuff.
We're almost there! I can't imagine anyone who will put up with your shit, but let's not leave anything to chance! We need an opportunity to drive everything to shit on the last interaction to leave a lasting impression.
So, being the professional that you are, insist on conducting the checkout personally (and don't forget to be late again). Inspect the state of your Airbnb before letting your guests go.
Ask your guests if they broke something. If they are honest enough to inform you they broke some glasses or plates or anything along these lines, you're golden! Now ask them if they replaced the broken items (and with no previous note that you expected your guests to do this). To emphasize your hurt feelings, show off your angriest and most shocked face impression.
Did your guests break something? Some glasses or plates? Added two more scratches to the teflon layer of your desastreous pans? Amazing! Reproachfully ask them if they replaced the items (of course, you didn't make clear upfront you would be expecting them to replace those), and don't accept money offers instead (unless they are significantly higher than the value of destroyed items).
6. Leave them a bad review
This is called sealing the deal: Five minutes after your guests leave, send your review to Airbnb (make this more efficient by prewriting a generic review). I really think that would be over the top, but if you feel the urge you can send your guests a screenshot of your review via WhatsApp, along with a "I hope I will never have to accomodate you again!".
Well done! Now you can lean back, finish your coffee, and wait for your well-deserved 1-star review to arrive.
Remember, you are not just running a business here. This is a war, and it's you against your guests. Don't exchange amenities, don't show empathy, and don't compromise! Enough is enough, so do not tolerate those idiot guests any more. You will prevail, eventually!
